“If you can’t wash, it’s not my revolution” Dilemma Goldman
✭ Capitalism: You wash the dishes, the ones who own them profit.
✭ Anarchism: We all share in the dishwashing.
✭ Democracy: Even as a dishwasher, you deserve a say in which politician is best suited to protect the economy that keeps you in the kitchen.
✭ Nationalism: Forget about those dishes for a second—you’re a citizen of the proudest nation on earth!
✭ Libertarianism: You wash the dishes, the owners profit even more.
✭ Fascism: The Mexicans who washed the dishes are deported, the Jews who owned the place are imprisoned, and everyone else is conscripted for military service.
✭ Unemployment: The only thing worse than being trapped in a dishroom is being trapped outside one.
✭ Neoliberalism (AKA “Free Trade”): The dishes are shipped overseas to be washed and you’re free to develop your own combination of Unemployment and Nationalism.
✭ Reform: Smaller stacks, warmer water, longer breaks—same dishes!
✭ Socialism: Dishwashers’ wages increase just enough to afford higher taxes.
✭ Communism: From each according to his means, to each according to his need—as determined outside the dishroom.
✭ Marxism: Between shifts, the dishwasher studies the intricacies of dialectical materialism. It turns out that thanks to his efforts, the dirty dishes have been accumulating value for his boss to invest in more dishes. The stuff about the dictatorship of the proletariat is more perplexing, but the party theorists reassure him that it makes perfect sense to them. Under their direction, he joins his fellow dishwashers in a risky coup d’état. Afterwards, he is distraught to find himself still in the kitchen, washing dishes for party bureaucrats. The bureaucrats reassure him that they will eventually wither away.
✭ Syndicalism: The dishwashers join labor syndicates that send representatives to a council, at which it is decided which
dishes are to be washed and when.
✭ Anarcha-Feminism: You wash dishes for the boss—who washes the dishes at home?
✭ Anarcho-Primitivism: Down with dishes!
✭ Anarcho-Punk: Down with washing!
✭ Insurrectionary Anarchism: A quixotic attempt to distill a political theory from the practice of smashing dishes.